Don't create panic in kids for what they are
Neither Praise nor abuse kids for any of their actions. It is when you praise or abuse the kids, they start creating an image about themselves. For example, if you praise a kid for
his silent behaviour, he starts thinking that being silent will always be rewarded and he starts believing that silence is part of his true nature. By this belief, he also feels that he is incapable of expressing himself as it is against silence.
So the very silence for which he was initially rewarded becomes his own trap out of which he can never escape. Similarly, if a child is condemned or punished for being slow, he starts creating an image of himself as being slow. Since he was not rewarded but punished for this behaviour, he tries to be fast by hard effort but always fails in such attempts which causes him to feel like he is a failure or worthless. This causes him more frustration and ill effects both physically and mentally in the later part of his life.
Is it possible to stop praising and abusing kids?
Yes, it is definitely possible to avoid praising and abusing kids for any of their actions. But how? First let's see the source that makes us praise or abuse anybody. We praise kids who conforms to our expectations and beliefs. So the very source of praising and abusing behaviour does not come out of kid's behaviour but by our own expectations and beliefs. So our rewarding and punishing pattern reveals our own inability to come out of the trap created by our expectations and beliefs.
These expectations and beliefs stand in the way of accepting our kid as he or she is . Once We realise the fact that the basic problem lies within us and not with the kids, we will stop interfering in kid's activities with our own prejudices.
How else shall we discipline the kids?
One may wonder that if we do not praise or punish one's kids according to their actions, how else one can make sure that the kid does not collect bad things from its surroundings. Before asking this question, one shall look if that particular activity of the kid really needs to be bothered. Most of the time, parents and teachers will be interfering with the kids' natural behaviour that need not be altered at all. But what if a child shows certain symptoms that looks like a real threat to child's life like running in a road with heavy traffic? In such instances, don't abuse kids. Because that will create a rebellion in the kids against parents or teachers. Instead take them to a calm place or to the place where you know your kids enjoy and buy them their favorite toy or eatables and then say, I love you so much honey, but it really hurts me and frightens me to see you moving so unbotheringly in crowded streets.
If your kid happens to have a pet, say him if he will be happily watching his dog/cat running in the middle of the traffic where the risk of it getting hit by vehicles is very high. Though it looks absurd to adults to compare kids with pets, it makes much sense for kids as pets play more important roles in their world than humans. Also say to them, Honey, I do not want to put strict rules or compare yourself with other kids as I know how much it will hurt you emotionally if i do so. When i take much precautions never to hurt you even slightly, won't you do this simple thing of walking carefully in the crowded places which will give much peace and happiness to me. Also assure them that you will never interfere in their freedom to be as they are in the safer environment.
This will definitely make them see the point clearly and hence you will be surprised to see them changing their behaviour automatically. Not only you succeed in changing your kid's unsafe behaviour, but also since you approached them in a very soft and acceptable manner, you have actually given them the clue on how to interact with others when they do something that your kid is not comfortable with. Yes, the kids do not learn by listening to our orders but by observing our behaviours.
his silent behaviour, he starts thinking that being silent will always be rewarded and he starts believing that silence is part of his true nature. By this belief, he also feels that he is incapable of expressing himself as it is against silence.
So the very silence for which he was initially rewarded becomes his own trap out of which he can never escape. Similarly, if a child is condemned or punished for being slow, he starts creating an image of himself as being slow. Since he was not rewarded but punished for this behaviour, he tries to be fast by hard effort but always fails in such attempts which causes him to feel like he is a failure or worthless. This causes him more frustration and ill effects both physically and mentally in the later part of his life.
Is it possible to stop praising and abusing kids?
Yes, it is definitely possible to avoid praising and abusing kids for any of their actions. But how? First let's see the source that makes us praise or abuse anybody. We praise kids who conforms to our expectations and beliefs. So the very source of praising and abusing behaviour does not come out of kid's behaviour but by our own expectations and beliefs. So our rewarding and punishing pattern reveals our own inability to come out of the trap created by our expectations and beliefs.
These expectations and beliefs stand in the way of accepting our kid as he or she is . Once We realise the fact that the basic problem lies within us and not with the kids, we will stop interfering in kid's activities with our own prejudices.
How else shall we discipline the kids?
One may wonder that if we do not praise or punish one's kids according to their actions, how else one can make sure that the kid does not collect bad things from its surroundings. Before asking this question, one shall look if that particular activity of the kid really needs to be bothered. Most of the time, parents and teachers will be interfering with the kids' natural behaviour that need not be altered at all. But what if a child shows certain symptoms that looks like a real threat to child's life like running in a road with heavy traffic? In such instances, don't abuse kids. Because that will create a rebellion in the kids against parents or teachers. Instead take them to a calm place or to the place where you know your kids enjoy and buy them their favorite toy or eatables and then say, I love you so much honey, but it really hurts me and frightens me to see you moving so unbotheringly in crowded streets.
If your kid happens to have a pet, say him if he will be happily watching his dog/cat running in the middle of the traffic where the risk of it getting hit by vehicles is very high. Though it looks absurd to adults to compare kids with pets, it makes much sense for kids as pets play more important roles in their world than humans. Also say to them, Honey, I do not want to put strict rules or compare yourself with other kids as I know how much it will hurt you emotionally if i do so. When i take much precautions never to hurt you even slightly, won't you do this simple thing of walking carefully in the crowded places which will give much peace and happiness to me. Also assure them that you will never interfere in their freedom to be as they are in the safer environment.
This will definitely make them see the point clearly and hence you will be surprised to see them changing their behaviour automatically. Not only you succeed in changing your kid's unsafe behaviour, but also since you approached them in a very soft and acceptable manner, you have actually given them the clue on how to interact with others when they do something that your kid is not comfortable with. Yes, the kids do not learn by listening to our orders but by observing our behaviours.
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